"Kill Barry Vol. 1"
This is for every one who ever asked why i hate Barry. Most events in this work are true or atleast loosely bassed on the truth.
“Kill Barry Vol.1”
A screen play by Jack Knabbe
Scene starts with a circle of high school students sitting around in a circle.
Barry: “Ah ha Jack it landed on you, let’s do this.”
Jack: “Sorry Barry, not for you or any other man alive.”
Scene flashes to the said circle of teens getting up.
Barry: “ ------- (Name removed to protect the innocent) it never landed on you, how about we kiss just for fun.”
-------: “Ummm ok”
Barry leans in and kisses ------ and then slips him some tongue.
Jack walks though a door way and sits in front of a computer screen, the following dialogue appears on the screen.
Bushido216: Dude how was making out with Barry?
Ace9573645: Wtf?!?!?
Bushido216: Barry said he made out with you and another guy.
Ace9573645: Dam him!!!!! That never happened, he was the one who DEMANDED to make out with ------- after the game was over!
Bushido216: That is seriously screwed up man.
Ace9573645: Tell me about it.
Jack gets up from the computer shakes his fist in the air and screams DAM YOU BARRY……DAM YOU!!!!!!
Scene cuts to Jack opening his mail box and retrieving an invitation to Barry’s graduation party, which he promptly discards.
Scene returns to a computer screen with the following dialogue.
Bye3nsa2000: You going to Barry’s party?
Ace9573645: I don’t think so.
Bye3nsa2000: Y not?
Ace9573645: I’m not going to go through the trouble of asking for a day off for him, plus if I went I would feel obligated to bring a gift, and the only way I’m giving that bastard money is if I hit him over the head with it.
Bye3nsa2000: lol
Ace9573645: No, I'm serious. I’ll hit him over the head with a sock full of nickels, just like that episode of Seinfeld with the reverse peephole. He may then have said nickels.
Scene cuts to Jack counting money in the office of Boston Market, Mariano is banging on the door.
Mariano “Jack, your friends are here”
Jack looks up at the security camera picture and says: ”Arg Barry...”
Scene cuts to the front of Boston Market where Barry is standing with a few random people.
Jack: “Hey Jesse, what are you doing bringing that into my place of business?”
Jesse: “It was his idea to come in”
Jack: “Ok what do you want Barry?”
Barry: “You coming to my grad party?”
Jack “Unless it is to kill you, no”
Barry: “Come on Jack you know you love me.”
Jack: “No Barry, not even Jesus loves you.”
Jack: ”Louis!!!!”
Louis emerges from the back and says: “Que necisicta jeffe?”
Jack points at Barry and states; “Mata le!”
Louis: “Grrrrrrrr.”
Jack looks at Barry and says: “Now get out of here.”
Scene cuts to Jack’s computer.
WorldsWorstJew: “Jack, why do you hate me?”
Ace9573645: “Because you are a terrible person and you are the anti-jack.”
WorldsWorstJew: “The what?”
Ace9573645: “The anti-Jack, let me put this in comic book terms so you will understand, you are Bizzaro World Jack, my complete opposite.”
WorldsWorstJew: “Don’t lie you know you love me Jack.”
Ace9573645: “And plus you told B-West I made out with you, and lying like that just ain’t cool.
WorldsWorstJew: “But I……………”
Scene starts blurring out as Jack Starts a monologue.
Jack “ It was at this moment in time that I decided that I wanted nothing more to do with Barry Galen (snicker….) Levitties. I know I have promised this before, but this time I meant it, this time I was out for revenge. Barry had gone too far and I was going to get even. But first to quote the Master Chief, I need a weapon.
Scene cuts to back to the front of Boston Market, Auttaya is behind the counter cutting chicken.
Auttaya: “Hi jack.”
Jack: “Hey Auttaya”
Auttaya “What can I do for you?”
Jack: “ Well first a turkey carver on white would be good.”
Auttaya: “Ahhh turkey carver very good. Do you want a side?”
Jack: “Sure, I’ll take mashed potatoes.”
Auttaya notices there are no more mashed potatoes and yells: “Segundo! Mashed potatoes please.”
Segundo emerges from the back and says: “Luis come todo el mash potato, viente minuetos para mas….. You understand?”
Auttaya: “Ummmm yes.”
Segundo returns to the back and Auttaya says “I have no idea what he just said”
Jack: “Eh don’t worry about it, anyway I came here because I needed to talk to some one.”
Auttaya: “Ah a friend?”
Jack: “Not exactly.”
Auttaya: “Oh a stranger.”
Jack: “Still no.”
Auttaya: “Then who?”
Jack: “His name is Auttaya Munkongcheansakul.”
Auttaya”And what do you want with Auttaya Munkongcheansakul?”
Jack: “An ass load of nickels.”
Auttaya: “A what?”
Jack: “An ass load.”
Auttaya: “I have no idea what an ass load is.”
Jack: “Well I suppose it doesn’t translate very well, so I’ll put it this was, I need like twenty bucks in nickels.”
Auttaya: “And why do you need an ass load of nickels?”
Jack: “I have an ass hole to kill.”
Auttaya: “You must have some big ass holes.”
Jack: “Huge.”
Scene cuts to the Boston Market office.
Auttaya opens the safe and removes an inlaid wooden box. “Here it is, Boston Market’s nickel fund, exactly $23.45.”
Jack: “Ok, I think I have that in my wallet.”
Auttaya: “What makes you think I’m going to give you all of these, what if Mariano needs change tonight?”
Jack: “Under the circumstances I think you really owe me”
Jack walks over to the wall and draws a Jewish star in the dust.
Auttaya: “Hmmmmm Barry……Ok jack you have your nickels.”
Scene cuts to Jack Taking a sock out of his dresser. Jack then pours the massive box of nickels into the sock. Eye of the Tiger plays in the background. Jack tests the weight of the sock twirls it around a few times and mutters:
Jack: “Payback’s a bitch Barry.”
Scene cuts to Jack Driving to Barry’s house, a bumper sticker on a passing car reads “Pussy Wagon” Jack arrives at Barry’s house and kicks open the front door with nickel sock in hand. Jack walks up to Barry’s room, kicks open the door and dives in shouting a Scottish battle cry. Jacks’ charge is cut short when he notices Barry is gone and the rooms’ only inhabitant is Barry’s brother Gordon who is watching porno on Barry’s computer.
Jack: “Awww man I didn’t need to see this.”
Gordon: “I’m spicy!!!”
Jack: “What ever dude, now where’s Barry?”
Gordon “At college. Want to watch with me?”
Jack says “I’ll pass,” as he slowly backs out of the room.
Scene cuts to jack driving, he is on the phone.
Jack: “Dude it’s Jack, want to go on a road trip?”
Screen cuts in two and Brian West appears on the other half.
Bwest: “Sure, I’m down.”
Jack: “Nice”
Sceen cuts to Jack And Brian pulling up to the Mafia house. Jack and Brian get out and knock on the door. The Door opens and a disoriented Jesse walks out.
Jack: “Dude get your shit, we’re going on a road trip.”
Jesse: “Ummmm ok.”
Scene cuts to a map of Long Island, a red line traces their progress across LI, as the line reaches queens Jesse shouts:
Jesse: “We’re in queens, Thailandian Red Bull!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Scene returns to the map as the line swerves of the L.I.E., stops briefly, and then resumes it’s former course, only twice as fast. Brian then says:
Brian: “When we get to purchase how will we find Barry?”
Jack: “Well that’s easy, one doesn’t get to be the head of the SUNY Purchase queer underworld without doing a lot of “favors”.” "People will know where he is."
“Barry’s story”
All done in anime style.
Flashback scene to James Niccotri sitting at a desk, the camera pans around to reveal Barry crouching under the desk. A large grin adorns James’s face.
Scene cuts to Barry standing in front of a large desk full of gays, transvestites, and drag queens. To the left of Barry stands Newman head of his personal army, the flaming 69. To his right stands his ever faith full animated companion, Mr. Slave. The gays are celebrating Barry’s ascension to the head of the queer council at Purchase.
Jack‘s disembodied voice: “Ok, lets get out of here before they get really happy.”
Anime sequence ends.
Scene returns to the car, which is now pulling up to SUNY Purchase. Jack and his entourage make their way to Barry’s dorm room to the sound of some cool walking music. Jack again kicks down the door to find two gay guys making out, but no Barry.
Jack: “Awwww man, that’s not cool, where‘s Barry?”
Queer #1: “He left to North Eastern last semester.
Jack: “Dam.”
Queer #2: “Want to join us?”
Jack, Brian and Jesse: “We’ll pass.”
The Trio backs out of the room.
Jack: “Thanks for your help but I’ll have to finish this on my own.”
Brian: “Yeah well I never told my mom I was leaving and she might get worried. It‘s probably for the best.”
Jesse: “I need some more Red Bull…..”
Scene cuts to airport counter.
Jack: “One ticket to Boston please.”
Scene cuts to airline security. Many people are walking through the gate carrying swords and all pas un-molested. Security guards stop Jack to question about his nickel sock.
Guard: “What’s that for?”
Jacks waives his hand as if he was attempting the Jedi mind trick.
Jack: “Absolutely nothing.”
Guard rolls his eyes and says: “ What ever, they don’t pay us enough for this type of shit.”
Plane lands in Boston. Jack Gets on a bus and rides a busover to North Eastern University. Jack again finds what he thinks to be Barry’s room and kicks open yet another door with his trusty nickel sock at the ready. Door opens to James in front of a computer doing what James does oh so well.
Jack: “James!?!?!? What are you doing here?”
James: “Well I’m….”
Jack: “No I know what you are doing right now, but I mean why are you in Barry’s room.”
James: “Dude wrong college, Barry is across town.”
Jack: “Dam.”
James: “While you are here, do you want to join in?”
Jack: “NO!!!! What the hell is wrong with people today?”
Scene cuts to Jack walking down another hallway and finally emerging into a Giant hall. Barry is standing on a walkway looking down at Jack.
Barry: “Jack! You came and visited me, I knew you loved me!”
Jack: “Dam you Barry! This ends here!”
Barry: “Ach they’re always after me lucky charms.”
Jack: “WTF?”
Barry: “I thought we were copying Kill Bill?”
Jack: “Yeah…..right.”
At that moment Newman breaks through the door screaming at the top of his lounges, at his heels follows the Flaming 69.
Newman: “Alright boys let’s queer eye him.”
The gays rush at Jack and try to give him a makeover. Jack Valiantly defends himself with his nickel sock until none remain conscious except for Newman.
Jack: “Newman……”
Newman: “Jack…..”
Jack: “Let’s do this thing.”
The fight begins and it soon becomes apparent that Newman is a little sissy boy and quickly falls beneath the nickel sock.
Barry: “Where did you get all those nickels from?”
Jack: “Munkongcheansakul.”
Barry: “Munkongcheansakul? I thought he swore never to disperse nickels again.”
Jack: “Well your name carries allot of weight.”
Barry: “Dam.”
Barry takes out a paintball gun and says: “I hope you’re not tired after fighting 69 queers.”
Jack: “Trust me, it wasn’t too hard.”
Barry: “Right.”
Barry fires 5 shots at jack who deflects all but one with the nickel sock, which splats against his right chest.
Barry: “Hope I didn’t ruin your shirt.”
Jack: “I’ve got like 50 more just like it.”
Barry: “Heh well you should have left well enough alone jack, now I’ll have to kill you.”
Jack: “I don’t think so.”
Barry launches another salvo from his paint pall gun and Jack deftly deflect all of the projectiles this time.
Jack shouts: “Hey look isn’t that George Carlin? He looks angry about you stealing all of his jokes.”
Barry: “Oh shit, where?
Barry turns around to look and jack realizes his opportunity to strike.
Jack feints to the left but lashes out with a brutal right handed nickel sock smash. The sock connects with Barry’s head and explodes upon impact showering Barry with nickels. Barry falls to the ground dead.
Jack: “Happy graduation, maricon.”
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